August 2004

I felt our little one again! This time it was late in the evening, but like before it was low on my right side. S/he reached out and kicked me twice. I can’t believe this is happening!

I felt our baby move today! I was lying in bed while Tj was getting ready for work and felt a little touch. It was like a little hand reached out and touched my belly from the inside.

This came just in the nick of time…I know it’s silly, but ever since we went to Florida last weekend I’ve felt really un-pregnant. I don’t know why…maybe all that time holding that little bitty baby took up all the maternal feelings I had for a while. I almost started crying Monday because I hadn’t felt the baby move (ok, I confess…I had tears in my eyes, but if they don’t roll down I don’t count them).

It’s what I’ve thought off and on since that first doctor’s appointment in Spain. I hardly have any pregnancy symptoms…it’s so hard to really feel pregnant sometimes. I do feel extremely grateful that I didn’t have to go through what so many women do…all that morning sickness and dizziness; but on the other hand what do I have to show for being pregnant? When I get to feeling like this I just try to tell myself that I’m being silly. It usually works.

The other crazy thing is I’m worried about telling people about the touch. Like I’ll tell everyone and then go to the ultrasound and find out that the baby didn’t make it, and then everyone will think ‘well, she didn’t really feel the baby move’. How crazy is that? It doesn’t even make sense. I told the first part to Jo and she said she knew how I felt…and it could happen. I think that’s what happened to her. And as for the second part…I think people are generally too kind to think that after a baby dies. And on top of that I shouldn’t be thinking about the baby dying…I’m going to have a healthy baby, Lord willing.

Aww…we had the best weekend!

Once I decided I wasn’t going to visit Mom Tj wanted me to go with him to visit his friend in Florida. I met Don in Abilene the first time Tj and I were dating…sometime around ’97/’98. The next time I saw him was at his wedding after we got married. Tj and I drove down there, and then their best man got really sick and was in the hospital so Tj was the emergency best man. Dar’s sister was supposed to sign the wedding certificate but she left the church before she did that so I signed as their witness.

This time we arrived Friday evening and Dar had had a baby Tuesday. We got to hold that brand new baby a lot! She was a little under 8 pounds and had lots of black hair going down almost to her eyebrows! I guess she’ll probably lose that hair soon…she was a cutie!

It was a pretty bad drive down there…this was the first time in our history that we’ve both been in a bad mood (when we aren’t fighting, that is). A month or so after I found out I was pregnant I had a few weeks of crying unexpectedly, but ever since then I’ve been pretty well back to normal. Well, with all the malarkey with Mom lately I’ve been crying a bit. Friday morning she called and we made up. I told her almost all I wanted to say, but it’s a hard thing talking like that to your Mom, you know? I told her that I’d gotten my feelings hurt when for the second time she decided to cancel her plans to visit us. I’m trying to get over it but what your head knows and what your heart feels are two different things. She said that she’d told Papa that they would come here whether or not Jo came; but really, I think she told him that after I told her I just wanted her to come and visit me. I don’t really believe that she would have come on her own…I could be wrong, but we’ll never know. She told me something surprising…she said that she knew exactly what I was talking about with the head/heart thing. Her feelings had been hurt when we eloped. I was surprised at this…she’s so unsentimental usually. I told her that we didn’t elope because we didn’t want them there, that that had nothing to do with it. I’m pretty sure back then when Tj was in Germany I told Mom that I’d told him I’d fly out to Germany and we could get married there…the elopement wasn’t a big surprise…but that’s how it is, I guess. Even though she knew all of that she still felt hurt. We’re ok now, and it feels good.

Anyway, I had cried a little bit while we were on the phone, but not really a lot. So I packed our bags for our trip. Tj wanted me to drive to the base and leave the car there for the weekend. After I hauled our bags down I was on the way. Tj told me how to get to his work using his newfound shortcut…however, he left out a major turn! I was so frustrated! I pulled off the road and checked the map, but I still made a wrong turn. Ugh. So I had to drive down the interstate and go the way we used to go…the only thing was that it’s been so long since I’ve gone that way that I made another wrong turn! I saw the exit sign and was in the right lane but right at the last minute they tell you to go straight to get to the base! Stupid! So then I was so angry and I started crying. I’m not sure how much of it was the frustration and how much was just the hormones.

Everyone has to show their passes to get on base so I got over that mishap and wiped my eyes…fortunately I could wear my sunglasses through the gate. When I pulled my pass out I saw that it had expired three days before. The guard told me what I needed to do to renew it; no big deal. I drove over to the pass building and before I’d even parked the car I was bawling! I tested my feelings to see if I was crying about mom or the pass, but I wasn’t. I sat in the car five minutes or so trying to stop crying. I called Tj and left a message telling him where I was and what I was doing. After about three minutes I stopped crying, I felt almost as good as new. Weird!

He drove up just as I was walking out of the building with the new decal. He had had a rough morning and really wasn’t prepared to deal with a crying wife. His class had ended a little bit early and he was ready to get on the road, then the teacher said he had a few extra things to show the class if they wanted to see…Tj wanted to leave but missed the right moment. So the teacher proceeds to start a new slide-show covering the same ground he’d just spent a couple of hours covering…he stood there and read every single slide. Now, I don’t know about you, but a huge pet peeve of mine is when a speaker gets up in front of a crowd and reads his notes. And it’s a thousand times worse when he puts his notes up on the overhead and then reads them…I can read, and I can do it much faster than someone reading out loud! So Tj had to sit there almost another hour listening to this guy. Class was finally over and when Tj checked his messages he had a teary one from me…I think it was too much for him to handle at the time.

We spent the first 20 minutes of the ride each glowering silently in our respective seats, and then I picked up a magazine Jo gave me the last time I was down there. It took another hour or so for us to lighten up, but we managed to make up then. Fortunately the beginning of our trip was nothing like the rest.

As we were passing through a very very small town I suddenly noticed a warning light on the dashboard. I pointed it out to Tj, but he had no idea what it meant. I got out the manual and frantically searched for info, and the first thing I came across said that it had something to do with the tires. Great! He had to buy the low-profile tires for this car…I immediately had images of futilely trying to find any help getting a new tire anywhere within 100 miles of where we were…this was gonna cost us! I was very happy to find that actually that light meant that the car was performing a check of the tires…Tj’d accidentally hit the button while opening a compartment. All was well.

So we made it to Don and Dar’s house and had a wonderful weekend. Tj and Don geocached a bit and worked on their computers a lot. We hung out at their house; met a couple of friends of theirs for lunch at Ryan’s; held the baby tons; talked about his step- and her daughter a lot and made tons of vows as to how we’re gonna raise our baby.

Dar’s daughter is almost 18 and has a 6-month-old now. She’s extremely immature and both Don and Dar are awaiting the day when she turns 18. She doesn’t have a key to the house, and when D and D bought half a butchered cow and put it in their spare freezer they put a padlock on it. The daughter frequently comes by and takes a bag-full or two of groceries from the house to feed her boyfriend and their friends. This is the same boyfriend who got three girls pregnant during the time the daughter was pregnant with his baby. Sometimes I think I’m not ready for all that goes along with having children. It’s much easier to raise a child correctly when you don’t actually have children, I think.

All in all we had a great time. I was glad to get the chance to really see what Dar was like…I’m glad we hit it off well. I’m sure Tj’ll want to go there often and it’s nice to know I have a friend to look forward to seeing there.

Wow! We’ve been in this apartment four weeks now and oh how I love it! It seems thousands of times easier to keep this place clean than the one we had in Spain. I don’t know why…maybe it’s because this house is closed with the a/c on all the time, so it’s not nearly as dusty or hot. Or maybe it’s the wall-to-wall carpeting that feels so much better on bare feet than tile. Or maybe it’s that we only have about 1/100th of our stuff and only rented furniture; who knows? For whatever reason I love this place! It’s so nice to be able to speak to everyone around me! I love knowing Spanish, but it’s so nice to be able to smile and say those niceties to people passing by.

Oh, Bec filled me in on more of the Momee situation. I don’t think I’ve written about the fact that Mom and Uncle Rex really think that Momee’s memory is going downhill. Mom mentioned several times while Momee was living with her that she thought Momee was getting worse (guess I haven’t blogged it, but Momee’s moved into her own trailer behind Uncle Rex’s property). Bec said that Mrs. Sarah has said that over the last three years there have been many/several times when Momee couldn’t remember how to get to a place they’d gone to many times.

When they mentioned this to Uncle Ronnie he said that they should wait…maybe the problem was simply (or was compounded by) that she was still overwrought because of her house burning down. They’ve waited about two weeks now…Bec said that Mom and Uncle Rex went and talked to a doctor about having an evaluation preformed on Momee (Uncle Ronnie was in agreement but he couldn’t make it to the office).

Now I guess we wait and see. This is such a sad time.